FCA Finally Merges!

"Funktheduck" (funktheduck) 05/15/2016 at 20:52 • Filed to: None

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FCA Supreme Leader Sergio Marchionne has been looking to merge with another automaker since before the ink was dry on the original merger between Fiat and Chrysler contracts. Now, he’s finally found a willing partner and it’s not who you’d think.

FCA will be merging with Spanx Inc! Automotive insiders were shocked and confused but sources close to the deal say it makes perfect sense.

“People have been saying our models look fat or bloated for years; Spanx will really help our models like the Challenger, Charger, and pudgy 500 appear slimmer and more attractive” a source close to the deal on the FCA side stated under anonymity.

An anonymous Spanx rep was quoted “We’re really excited to expand our brand. We’re expecting to produce Spanx for the cars along with the interiors for all FCA vehicles.”

The source went on to say they’re already looking into how to replace the seatbelts with Spanx incorporated into the seats. “With America’s growing obesity problem drivers can finally look and feel more attractive while they do burnouts in their Hellcat powered machine.” The Spanx rep went on.

“We think the Spanx interiors will be safer than traditional belts because they’ll hold you in more like a racing harness but with the added benefit of looking not so fat” the FCA rep added.

Sergio and Sara Blakely, Spanx founder, will not comment but are expected to make the announcement later this week. The rumors surrounding the merger have sent stock prices for both FCA and Spanx to all time highs.

Business insiders are watching closely. If FC SPANX (the rumored post merger name) is a success, they believe it could lead to more non-traditional mergers. Examples given were Toyota or Honda merging with GE, all companies are well known for making everyday appliances or VW to merge with Dyson to help clean up their Dieselgate issues.

Tell us what you think in the comments below. Will FC SPANX be a success? Will other oddball mergers come out of the woodwork? If so, who?

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Funktheduck 05/15/2016 at 21:10

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I think F. C. Spanx will be my new alias/alter-ego.

Hot Takes Salesman > The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 05/15/2016 at 21:47

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It's definitely my new rap name.

Matt Nichelson > Funktheduck 05/15/2016 at 21:57

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FC Spanx sounds like a user made club in FIFA.

Funktheduck > Matt Nichelson 05/15/2016 at 22:57

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Yeah. Felt soccer/football-ish to me after the fact